the older i get the more i realize i want one thing in my life:
peace.
well, maybe two things because i also want ice cream, but…
i DO want peace.
i want friendships that aren’t so fragile i have to watch my step,
friendships in which i can be my authentic self.
i want relationships that aren’t volatile
and i don’t want to be in situations where
i feel obligated to participate in things that don’t make me feel like a good person.
i’m tired of arguing, yelling, feeling guilted, and obligated.
i want to smile more and laugh at silly stuff.
i want people in my life
where the connection between us isn’t delicate, easily broken,
it’s strong and dependable,
where we trust each other and things are talked out.
i have fewer days ahead of mi than behind mi so
i want them to be filled with love, laughter and adventure,
like cozy elastic waist sweatpants: comfortable but with room for growth.
it’s never my intention to hurt,
to harm to make anyone feel undervalued so if you feel i’ve done that, please tell mi.
let mi try to make it right.
we don’t have to be friends afterwards if that’s what you want but,
i don’t want ugly.. with anyone.
i don’t want bitterness, or anger, or awkwardness when we see each other.
i can’t handle any of that.
i dont like the “are we speaking? are we not? “did i do something? are we friends?”
and then i hear somewhere you’re talking smack and cutting mi down.
i’m spent. i’m full.
and motherhood doesn’t end just because my children are grown.
it’s a mental roller coaster every day.
in fact, adulting in general is pretty stressful.
bills, work, deadlines, running a business
and don’t get mi started on trying to figure out the answer
to those three words that haunt many women every fricking day…
“what’s for dinner?”
i simply don’t want any drama in my life.
not now.
not here, not there, not anywhere.
not in a car, not in a bar, not in my house, not with my spouse.
not even in tiny doses.
none.
and if you throw it my way, i assure you, i will likely turn and walk away.
you’ll think i don’t care but truthfully..
i don’t want chaos, or turmoil, or any of that.
i don’t want to hear gossip
that may or may not even be true.
i mean, i believe people are really doing the best they possibly can
and everyone is going through something we know nothing about.
i really just want peace.
but, i’ve learned that sometimes it’s not really about keeping the peace.
it’s about creating peace.
i heard someplace that drama doesnt just walk into your life.
you either create it,
invite it or associate with it.
i’m confronting it
head-on with my sword of peace.
yes, i’ll listen.
i’ll even try to keep my knee-jerk advice to myself
but, i refuse to brush the difficult stuff under the rug
and pretend it doesn’t exist
until that rug becomes a mountain between us.
because i want peace.
peace is about talking things out
and approaching every situation with kindness first.
it’s about apologizing and compromise.
it’s about maturity.
it’s about boundaries and knowing that even when we give our best,
not everyone will appreciate it, want it, or even like it.
it’s about loving and letting go from there.
i know i’m a mess and most times i’m insecure and oversensitive but
i also know i have a good heart.
i just know at the end of the day…
i want peace.
i want it to ooze out of mi.
i want it in mi.
i want it on mi.
i want it around mi.
i want it to come through mi.
no matter what anyone else is doing.
i want peace.
and ice cream obviously, i want ice cream.
who wants to get some ice cream with mi?
© c. michelle bryant griffin
